| Nice to be alone for a little bit |
[08 Nov 2011|08:06pm] |
So I've been sitting here in the blue room reading my previous journal entries. Why am I so damn angry all the time? I need to work on that. It's kind of nice just to sit in here and be alone for a while when Mary is out in the living room smoking it up. I don't know how she can smoke that crap every dAY. I'm not gonna lie, I do it every once in a while too to chill out, but gross...not every day. Not even once a week. UGh.
I need to start journaling every day because it helps me get everything out, even if no one reads it. I wish I had someone to talk to. Someone to confide in who doesn't know my situation. I'm seriously thinking about seeing a therapist, just someone to talk to, I don't even want them to say anything, I just want them to listen to what I have to say. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. I don't go out, I don't see ANY of my old friends, literally. The only person I talk to anymore is Audrey (who is being induced TOMORROW!!! Little lexis is finally gonna come out!), and Ashley on a rare occassion. I keep asking myself, what about me? Why don't I feel important? Why don't I matter? Maybe the fact that I stopped talking to my dad and it hasn't even phased him is killing me inside. IS that the root of it all? I was reading posts from back when the divorce happened...it's crazy how much my mood changed and altered in that time. I have always been negative and a downer, but it got really bad. I was so mean to everyone and I used to treat people like shit. Seriously, it's not good. I wish there was some way I could go back in time and fix it all. I long for those friendships I used to have, those people I used to have to talk to and worry about, those days when we would just screw around and laugh so hard. I've lost it all. I have absolutely no one besides Mary, and she has no one besides me. We're all alone in the world. My sisters don't even include me in conversations. It's crazy how much my life has changed these past couple of years. WHy? Because I am the type of person who tells you the way it is? Because most people can't handle the truth? Because I am not afraid of anyone? I have this hole in my heart that should be filled by those people, and maybe I was a little harsh a lot of the time, but I miss you guys. I miss everyone. I miss being around people. I can't live like this for the rest of my life. I am only 22 years old. I'm eating myself to death, seriously. It is my comfort. It's like, when I have a bad day, all I want to do is eat. I know what my problems are, but I want someone to just straight up tell me what the fuck I have to do to be normal. THat's all I want anymore is to be normal. I want to have friends. I want to go out. I fucked my whole life up so bad...
I have nothing but these walls to live for. I'm crying out for help. Someone please help me. Please give me another chance to make it right. Let me prove it.
Mary and I drank literally a whole 5th of Jack Daniels Saturday by ourselves and I ended up crying histerically while playing GUitar Hero asking her why Thomas left me here all alone. He left me because he had no choice. I wouldn't want to be around me either. I can't even stand to look in a mirror.
Help me please God. I need strength, because I don't know how much longer I can take this.
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[26 Oct 2011|11:51pm] |
Seriously, I am just so done with my dad. AFter reading posts from back in 2004 about how much my dad ticked me off, I'm surprised I still even talk to him. He's living out here now in Fraser, right down Garfield, and he drives me insane. I can't take it anymore!!! HE calls me back to back to back every night after work and talks to me about his stupid girlfriends. He thinks I care!!!! Stop dating 4 girls at once that are 20-25 years younger than you! I don't want to hear it! He doesn't realize that he has a 4 year old daughter that needs him and all he cares about is getting some. Now he calls me today and tells me he is going to Marry this fucking girl from some foreign country, I don't even know what it is, because he's known her for 3 fucking weeks. It's ridiculous! He is so fucking stupid. I just want to get the hell out of here. I just want to change my number and never talk to him again. I can't handle the shit anymore. I just need to get away. I need a real vacation for like 2 weeks with no communication, no phone, no nothing. I'd rather be on a deserted island than listen to him talk about his stupid life that he has totally fucked up. the funny thing is, I was just at my moms house earlier having dinner and we were all bitching about him!
Mary and I have been ok. Things aren't great right now but we are working through it and it's actually working. I know she loves me and I love her more than anything or anyone too. I want to be with her for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think we just forget that we still each have feelings and emotions and we need to recognize them in eachother and still take time to be cute and cuddly and listen to eachother.
<3<3<3<3<3<333333333
So work fucking sucks. It was actually ok until yesterday. They are totally trying to screw angie over. They brought her into a meeting and told her that she needed to leave the team because of lack of work. WHAT! and they are making her interview and apply for different positions. It's b/s. IT's like, if you don't have work for me to do, then fucking move me. They're making it look like it's her problem that there is no work and making her figure it out. They said "We need to know by Thursday what you're going to do" Seriously? They are giving her two days to figure it out when she shouldn't even be the one figuring it out in the first place?
Whatever. So done with that place too. Fuck it.
Lately mary and I have been hanging out with her friends from high school. they are all very nice and they are all lesbians too. How did that happen? LOL all of mary's friends that she hung out with in high school became lesbos. hahaha so weird... We went to their halloween party on SAturday, mary got SOO wasted I literally had to carry her in the house when we got home. I just wish I could go and have that good of a time and have her take care of me. I don't ever get like that. I guess I just don't trust her to actually take care of me the way I do to her. Whatever, it was fun anyways. She was kid rock and I was FLO from the progressive commercials. It was so funny and everyone loved my costume, even though I didn't come prepared with a tag line.
I've been having these chest pains the past few days, its not good honestly. I don't know what's going on but I hate the fucking doctor. UGHHH I HATE IT! and I really don't want to go but I'm actually scared this time. I don't know if it's just a muscle ache but it's like sharp pains above my left boob, but higher like under my collar bone. PROBABLY BECAUSE OF MY DAD PISSING ME OFF EVERYDAY! I still can't believe I let him get me so worked up. I'm just so sick of it, we all are. MAry gets so pissed she almost threatened to leave me because she can't take my family anymore. We are so disfunctional. I just need to get away with her and have a peaceful time ALONE together.
We went to traverse city august 27th, and I love it there. I want to move there. Mom came with us. That was fine that she came but in a way I wish we would have went by ourselves too to spend some genuine one on one time together.but mom had a blast and she appreciated that we took her with us. she needed it.
anyways, I'm done. This literally took me all of 15 minutes to type because I am on a roll ad I'm worked up. Gonna go read some more past posts about my life and try to remember it. Seriously. This memory loss thing is fucked up.
<3
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[23 May 2011|05:59pm] |
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Why me? Why have I been chosen to live this life? I feel so alone. Is it my fault? I love how my friends go out and they don't even invite us. I love how my sisters scam us out of money. I try to be there for everyone, but no one gives me a chance. No one cares about what I have to say. I am not going to lie, I have been a complete incompetent bitch in the past and I have said a lot of things that have hurt people. But I'm trying so hard to make up for it and no one is giving me a chance. Have I tainted my image forever? I feel like a loser. No friends, my family hates me. I just don't want to talk to anyone, seriously. I just want to be alone. It seems like that's where I"m going to be anyways.
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[21 Mar 2011|02:47pm] |
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I am a very unusual person. it is hard to control my intense emotions. when i am sad, i am morbid. when i am happy, i am ecstatic. when i am angry, i am furious. there is no in between for me.
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| Past Broken Love |
[19 Mar 2011|09:11am] |
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It's hard to comprehend how your first love is getting engaged to someone else. How do you contemplate that? I am in love with Mary and I want to be with her for the rest of my life, but to know that Andie is getting engaged is just WOW. Really? I've never felt like this before. I loved Andie with all my heart, through the hard times and the good times and it's SO WEIRD that she is getting married. I can't wrap my head around it. So many memories with someone and to know that it all didn't matter. It's different with friends...with friends you can mend relationships and friendships if something goes wrong and you can keep those memories alive between you two. With an ex, you have to tell yourself that you're never going to see them again, and the memories just fade away. Those awesome times that you had, the pictures, the videos, don't mean anything. They were all just stupid high school games. It's hard for me even to remember the times her and I had because I can never remember anything. I am very much distraught about my past and have blocked a lot of it out. I wonder what would have happened if her and I were still together? If somehow, things would have worked out. There was probably only a 1 percent chance that would have even happened. When you see others hitting these important milestones in their lives, you can't help to wonder, what if? With all of these feelings running through my body, I am happy to know that she has found peace and love, someone who treats her well, someone to take care of her. She's a great person and she deserves it. Congratulations bubba. No matter the distance, you will always be in my heart.
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[11 Dec 2010|04:06pm] |
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I miss you.
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| March |
[27 Mar 2010|12:12pm] |
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So wow, I haven't updated this thing in a long time. I don't even know where to start. There's been way too much drama lately!!! So let's start with the father. Ok? Be prepared, this is going to be a NOVEL!
I don't think that I have written about this yet, (I even went and checked...). So idk, maybe 2 months ago, my Dad decides to steal my Jeep out of my parking lot at my apartment. I don't know what the hell was going through his head, because he never asked me permission to take it. I pay for that Jeep and it was in my possession, so technically its mine even though he co-signed for me. I could have, and will if he ever does it again, taken him to court and made him pay me back all of the money I've paid on it so far. We fought all weekend, and I tried to get it back, and I tried to suck up to him and tell him that I love him, and I miss him. Didn't work. Finally Sunday night he keeps calling me, and keeps calling me, and I told him that I was going to take him to court to get it back and he can go and fuck himself. I told him that he is a shitty father, and I don't ever care to see him again. Cathy is in the background screaming at me, and little do they know that I have everything they said to me that night (all of the name calling and the accusing and the threats) on my digital tape recorder. After telling him I have everything he said on tape, they turned. "Oh Ashley, I love you please believe me that I love you and this is the only way I could get you back. You're my daughter." Bullshit. Little scared huh? I woke up Monday morning and my Jeep was outside. Fucking drug addicts. So now we're talking again though. I'm not really liking it, and I know I shouldn't be. Cathy left my Dad and moved in with her sister, AGAIN. She left Caity at my Dad's house with him and she doesn't even care to see her or to spend time with her. Cathy is a fucking psychopath. She needs medical attention, badly. And if I ever see her again, I'm going to break her face. No one sits there and beats their kids in front of my sisters, or at all! and calls my sisters names, "Fat daughters" "Ashley's a bitch." Oh no, it's on now. My dad is trying to get his shit together after getting CPS called on him a couple days ago and had to do a drug test. He was scared he was going to fail, but surprisingly he passed...Hard to believe but cocaine is out of your system in a couple days, and he had the date pushed back for when he had to go do it. He's not right with that, and don't think that I'm justifying him doing drugs. I'm not fucking happy about that. But I think he's so scared now, that he won't do it anymore. He's lot SO much weight. He's so skinny, I can see his elbows popping out, and his belly is pretty much flat, and I feel bad for him. He has a custody hearing on Monday, the same day he starts his new job. He needs to have a job, and go to work, and get his mind off of Cathy. He's losing it, going psycho because she left him. He's stalking her and leaving flowers on her car, and everyone is telling him. DUDE it's a good thing that she left. Whatever. I'm not helping him out because he's my dad, I'm helping him out because I feel bad for Caity. I watched her for like an hour last night when he went and did a job. He needs money, and I don't have any for him so the least I could do was to watch Caity while he made some. Ugh, eeeeenough with my Dad. Making me want to gag.
Next! Tom and Kailonji broke up. Tom finally decided that he didn't want to be with Kail right now, and needed his space, but he let Kail still stay in the house? Idk doesn't make any sense to me. You're not going to get any space. So after a couple weeks of Tom not showing any effort to "figure out what he's doing with his life", Kail got mad. Honestly, I don't blame him. I would be pissed too if Mary said "I need my space and I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life, but you can still live here." and then sleep all day. Tom pretty much just gave him hope that he is getting back with him and just needs some alone time. That's not what Thomas meant. He really doesn't want to be with Kail right now, and he is going to need a long long time to figure himself out. It's hard being in a relationship trying to figure yourself out when you are worrying about someone else. Kail is flipping. He's crying and he's really hurt. He's moving out on Sunday, I guess. I would be hurt too but maybe this is the best for them right now. It's going to take a while for the wounds to heal but they will. Kail has no where to go, and I do feel bad and I wish I could help him, but Mary and I can't even take care of ourselves either. I'm irritated with the both of them. Open your eyes and realize that you both need to get your life together, learn some responsibility, and grow up. Your life will be so much better when you don't have to count on someone else. You need to both realize that you can't count on your significant other, or anyone else for that matter. And if something ever happened to them, or they left in this case, are you going to be okay, financially? with housing? a car? Shit happens out of line every single day, and this was a shock but it's for the best. Worry about yourself just as much as you worry about your significant other. Be strong and show that other person that you can be happy, and you don't need to depend on them for anything. I just want to take them both by the shoulders and shake them and be like "Stop being assholes! I'm tired of trying to help you guys when you're not listening to me!" Everything will work out. I know it will. Have faith, work hard, and be patient.
And Jackie, you're not helping the issue. I don't give a fuck what you say. Having people go out for your birthday that Tom has crushes on, and Tom is with you, isn't helping. Stop being dumb, because I'm sick of hearing you complain about your life too. Everyone has issues we all have to deal with everyday, and we all try to help you and give you advice, and you never take it. So just stop.
Hopefully moving out in May into a house. I don't think we will have a problem with finding one to rent. My credit is too bad to get a loan. Looking for something in like North Warren, Sterling Heights, Troy...something like that. Can't wait!! Cooper will finally have a backyard to run around in!
Next Friday, April 2nd, I'm going to the H.I.M concert!!! AHH with Jen, Sam, Rachel, Larry, and Mary B! I'm so excited. I haven't seen them in concert yet, and it's going to be amazing. I hear they are awesome live. Woo hoo. I haven't gone out with Sam and Jen yet, so I hope it's fun!!
Mom's birthday was yesterday. Have to go over to her house on Sunday for dinner to celebrate. I love her! She's been doing really good the past couple weeks too. I think it's the nice weather, and the sun. Makes' her feel better and takes the pain away. Even if for a moment.
<3<3 I love my Mary. She's amazing. Even if I hate her smoking her shit. GRR I hate it! I wish she'd stop. Not because of the way she acts, but because of the way she looks when she smokes. Like a crackhead...(it's weed, not crack. so don't take that the wrong way). She can't roll so she smokes out a bowl and she looks ridiculous. It's starting to make me not even want to be around her, but I love her so much I just put up with it. Lately though she's been forgetting shit and losing her memory. It's frustrating and I know it's from that, but she refuses to believe that. and she refuses to stop. Please Mary, just stop...That's the only thing that comes between us. Please, for me? <3<3
Ok, I guess I'm done. I'll post again if I think of any more...if that's even possible.
.PEACE.LOVE.CRUNK.
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[01 Feb 2010|10:37pm] |
Is there a point?
Love me.
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| Past week |
[28 Dec 2009|10:07pm] |
Christmas was miserable. I don't know if I can talk about it without getting nauseous. My sister gets me 3 $0.50 candles for Christmas. WOW! What a Christmas gift. I'm not trying to sound ungrateful, and I know Liz isn't old enough to have a job yet, but still. Come on. I went broke for like a month and a half just to get everyone something for Christmas...(other than 3 candles), and this is what I get? Thanks. Now I know how much I mean to you. I feel like I'm distancing myself from my family. Can you blame me? I haven't talked to my Dad in over a month, and frankly, it's not really bothering me. After his charades with moving to Florida for three weeks and choosing psycho Cathy over his kids, I'm completely done. I keep thinking about calling him and talking to him, but then I think of all the hurtful things that made all the rage in my body jump out of my veins...He said the worst things you could possibly say to your children, things I will never EVER say. I don't think I could. I have never disliked anyone so much in my life. It's sad that I think of him like that. I don't even want to call him my father and I wish I could change my last name so I have less of a relation to him. I gave Angie presents to give to Caity for Christmas, since I'm not allowed to see her, and my Dad told Angie to throw them away. He wouldn't even let Caity open them. What an asshole! God, I can't fucking stand him. My life is so much more peaceful without him.
My Mom is broke, what's new? She didn't get us anything for Christmas. But she won these cool little gift bags for all of us from 96.3fm. There was like a bunch of Mary Kay lotions and make-up, and dvds, and board games. It was neat. She gave Angie and Liz 100 dollars and she's buying me new tires for my Jeep. Plans are that I should be going to get them tomorrow after work. =) Finally. My Mom is always complaining about not feeling good and how she's so tired and broke, but she never does anything to make it better. She never wants to take her vitamins or rest. She can't sit down, everyone knows that. Her legs hurt so bad she can't keep them still or they just throb in pain. Then when she doesn't feel good, she doesn't come to work. Well...you wonder why you're broke! Sometimes I want to say that to her, but she'd flip. Everyone has been a little edgy lately.
Mary's parents got us a lot of stuff for Christmas though. A lot more than I expected. PJs, a mixer, blanket, that 360 shower thing (which is totally awesome, by the way), new pyrex culinary kit thing (which I don't want to use because I don't want to ruin it, it's so pretty!)...and more, I can't think of right now. And her real Mom got us a microwave and sheets. It was sweet. Then her real Mom took us out to dinner last night and told me how much she loved me and how happy Mary is with me. She says she'd fight with us to pass the gay-marriage law. Haha. It was so cute. If only my father was like that...(yea right).
Mary got me an iPod for Christmas, and I bought her a stupid Xbox a couple weeks ago for her xmas gift (waste of money). She barely uses it.
I don't know what's up with me lately. I just don't want to see anyone. I don't want to spend time with my family. I feel like they all put on a front around me because they're scared to tell me how they really feel. Same with my friends. Shit, I don't have any friends anymore. Tom is working all the time, or hanging with his other friends. Kail is just...I don't even want to go there. I shouldn't even name him as one of my friends. I think to be a friend you actually have to "talk" to the person. Jackie is going back up to school soon. That's pretty much it. OMG Kristi had a freaking baby on the 22nd, and she didn't even know she was pregnant. She went to the doctor one day for stomach cramps, and they rushed her to the hospital and said she was in labor. So weird.
I hate the holidays more than I hate onions. I swear. It makes me think of the past and how good it was before all of the drama in my life, and the distancing of my family and friends. I think I'm getting more shy and more self-conscious as my life goes on. I'm stuck in a bubble. My life sucks, and to think that I thought it was bad before.
I guess they're right when they say that "it can always be worse."
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[14 Dec 2009|02:02pm] |
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You are a fucking joke. I can't stand you. You mother fucker. I never thought I would have these feelings against someone I thought was my friend. One day you will pay for your selfishness. Karma is a bitch.
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| lately |
[06 Dec 2009|07:17pm] |
So I haven't updated in a while. Not like anyone reads this anyways.
Work has been okay. The mandatory overtime is kicking my butt lately but I'm doing it. Were all moving desks next week and I finally will have my own desk and my own brand new computer and phone. Yaay. Finally. I'm tired of sharing desks. They have really been cracking down on us lately though. Like no personal phone calls or emails and we can't even have our cell phones out. I feel like I'm back in hight school. But I love it there.
Marys party was a success except for the usual drama with kailonji. That's expected though. Whatever, I don't want to go there. I just hope he figures out whatever he needs to figure out, and stop doing stupid shit that could kill him.
I started a new diet today. I'm doing it this time. I'm on the tredmill as I'm typing this on my phone. Gives me something do and passses the time a lot faster. I want to be skinny minny and I'm not fucking around this time. Just wait and see. You'll want to be me!
Anyways. I'm not very steeady on this treedmill so I'm going now.
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[13 Oct 2009|11:57am] |
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Life has been a big ball of shit lately. I found out my rent is going up next month, woo hoo for me. I can barely afford what i have now, and what NORMAL apartment building charges you 650 dollars for a ONE BEDROOM! This is crap!
My father moved to Florida on Saturday. Yes, I know I should be hooting and hollering for that one, but I do love him, and he is my father. Over the past year or so we've grown quite close, and Caity and I actually have a relationship. It sucks. I want to be there for her, and now she's gone and probably won't even remember me when I come to visit. After all, she's only 2. At least I have a vacation spot though. =)
My Mom is not doing very well lately, and I am afraid for her. She's all I can think about. Not last week, but the week before, she had to take off of work because she was throwing up blood. The doctors said that her intestines and her stomach are so eaten away that it looks like raw hamburger inside her. EWW. Sorry, I know that's probably a disgusting visual. I don't know what I would do without her. She's my best friend...=\ She says she's feeling better now though, and she's back at work. They gave her medicine to heal all of the scars that are on the inside lining of her digestive system. She needs to relax, she is so worried about money, and if the bills are going to get paid, and if the girls are okay, that she's killing herself. This disease is caused by stress, DUR!
So it is OCTOBER! My favorite, and most hated month of the year. Favorite because I love it, I love Halloween and pumpkins and the weather. I hate it because it is the yellowbrick road into the Winter. UGHH. Kill me. Mary and I are going to the apple orchard this weekend to get apples and pumpkins. =) I LOVE IT! I'm getting my 4 wheel drive fixed this weekend, because there's no way I'm driving all the way out to Troy everyday with no 4-wheel. Kill me now.
I am on this diet, I started yesterday. FREAKING INSANE! I bought the Insanity workout, and I'm telling you, I can't do it. I did it yesterday, and I felt like I got hit by a semi and thrown around like a ragdoll. It is amazing, but hurts so bad at the same time. But it's a good hurt, a hurt of success! =D I'm not giving up, I'm tired of this. My dad is in Florida, and I need to not be mistaken as a beached whale when I go down to visit.
Plus, lately I have just been feeling unhealthy. Like disgusting unhealthy, and I've never felt like that before.
Well, I guess that's about all that's happening in my life. Woo hoo. How exciting.
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[25 Aug 2009|02:11am] |
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Each day I spend with you is making it harder and harder to watch you go.
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| I can't understand. I won't. |
[13 Aug 2009|11:40am] |
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What you are doing is ridiculous. And I do not care whether you see this or not. I am entitled to my opinion on my own LiveJournal. I would never be able to do what you are doing. I would never be able to love someone so much, and tell them that I'll never leave them, and then just throw away a 2 year relationship and move out of state. Look at what you've been through together, look at all of the things you have done. You've taken care of eachother. You've given each other rings, and through the hard times and the bad, it has always worked out. How could you break his heart like that? I understand that the people in this other state are your family, but you are so very selfish. All you think about is how and where you're going to be better off. You do not care about how anyone else feels about you, whether they are going to miss you or not, or if they want you to leave. I honestly don't think you have thought this through enough. You are being stupid. You didn't do it in Chicago, you're not going to do it in Georgia. Do you think that Thomas's parents are just going to let you keep coming in and out of their lives. You're killing Thomas inside. His heart is melting. When I talk to him about everything that is going on, I can see it. I know him, in and out. I know how he holds everything in, in front of everyone else. I can read him like a book. He is so much in love with you, it's not even funny, and you're just going to give that all up? I don't understand. I will never understand your decision. I could never just say "Hey, Mary, I'm moving, and we're not doing a long distance relationship. Our 2 years together is over." WHAT! I don't get it. I will never "get" you. Putting aside how much you are hurting Thomas, you are also hurting Mary and I. Before you and Thomas went to Chicago, you were just "Tom's boyfriend". You were a mutual friend through Thomas. I didn't feel THAT close to you. But when you guys came back, we got really close and it was like we were truly a little family, and you're always the one who said that. Not anyone else. And I truly think of you as a brother to me. I see you more than I see my real family. You're just going to leave us behind? We're never going to see you again? It is blowing my mind how someone can literally do that to people. Everything Thomas has done for you, how Mary and I have been there for you, and you're just going to leave? Why are you running? Why are you leaving? Tell us the real reason. Is it because you think it is going to be better down there? Living with a bunch of people in one house? Getting free money? Going to school? You already do all of that here! You can go to school, you get free money from the state, and you live in a house you don’t even have to pay for. I wish I had your life. Stop running. There are people here who love you more than anything, and you're willing to give that up for your family who has betrayed you, and lied to you, and messed up your life? I completely understand that it is your family, but look at what they have done to you! There isn't much else I can say. I do not want you to go. Mary does not want you to go. And Thomas DEFINITELY doesn't want you to go. It is going to break my heart seeing Thomas when you go. It is killing me inside seeing the hurt in Thomas's eyes when I see him look at you. You are everything to him, and without you, I don't know if he is going to be able to live normally for a long time. You are killing him inside, and if you can't see that, then you need to stop being so selfish and think about the person who means the most to you. Think about someone other than yourself. Don't be so damn heartless.
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[02 Jul 2009|02:12am] |
I wish Mary was here.
Fireworks this weekend at Dad's house.
Work is nice, but boring.
They gave all of us a 50 dollar bonus today,
and we get Friday off--paid. It's nice.
The only thing that sucks, is that I'm there all night by myself.
I stayed an extra 45 minutes today...YES OVERTIME.
Not like 45 minutes is going to make a big difference.
Anyways, I don't have much to say today.
For once there's no bitching.
I have to take Cooper out.
<3333
I wish Mary was here.
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| Emotions |
[26 Jun 2009|11:23pm] |
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GRRRR! One second I feel like killing someone, and the next second I want to cry. Today I left work an hour early because Jackie said she was having a bonfire, and of course, I wanted to go. So before I left, Audrey calls me and says she wants to hang out. Cool. She can come with me as my date to the bonfire, but NO...I get to her house to pick her up, and she's like "Mike (her boyfriend) wants to talk to you when he gets here" I was like...UM NO, I have to go to the bank for mary, go to the store, and still go home and change before I go to Jackie's. So she says, "Just leave." OMG SEriously? I just fucking drove all the way out here to pick you up, out of my way, for you to tell me to just LEAVE! Are you fucking kidding me?? I was pissed. So I drove away. Then I fought with Mary on the phone about her bank account because she's not fucking responsible enough to check her bank account and know how much money she has in it to spend. Of course, the 20 year old is more responsible than the 26 year old. Heh...fuck. So then I call Kailonji, and ask him what's going on, and if Jackie is having the bonfire for real, cuz we all know jackie, she says one thing then decides to change her mind right before everyone is ready to come over. He doesn't know what's going on, so I call JAckie, and of course, she can't make up her mind. Just because Brandon can't come, and it's fucking 11 o clock already, she's not having a bonfire. OMG How many fucking nights have we had bonfires at 12-1 o clock in the morning? And they were just starting!! So I left work an hour fucking early, and missed out on an hour of overtime making 18 bucks an hour, to come home and write this and be pissed off all night, and sit here by myself. I'm seriously firing all of my friends. Fuck them all. Even my fucking best friend since 2nd grade couldn't even fucking be cool with me today. Fuck this. I don't feel good, I was hoping to go out and have a good ass time tonight, but no, Ashley never gets what she wants. Everyone else is too busy with their other friends to hang out with the only person who actually has a head on their shoulders. And Thomas is pissing me off lately too, well, not pissing me off, but jsut like...He doesn't even fucking pay attention to me anymore. He's like a brother to me, and I talk to Kail more than I talk to him now. He doesn't text me, he doesn't call, we barely ever see eachother anymore. We used to be fucking joined at the hip. Maybe I'm just that shitty of a friend, idk. I don't mind talking to Kailonji, it's just that Tom and I used to be so fucking close and now we barely even talk. Even when he does come over, we barely even say anything to eachother. Shit. Maybe I'm fucking crazy, who knows, but I know what I am feeling, and I'm not just making shit up. Realize it assholes.
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| excuse my language...again. |
[17 Jun 2009|09:01pm] |
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So today I turn 20. Wow, it means nothing to me. I don't want to be a bitch or a brat or anything, but today is the worst fucking birthday I've ever had. While I was at work today, I got a bunch of text messages saying happy birthday and everything, and yea, that's great. and I knew mary had to work tonight, so I thought hey, maybe my best friends will care enough to not let me sit home alone on my birthday. HA! I thought wrong. Tom and Kail don't even give a shit. The only people who actually CALLED ME, like dialed the number in my phone and pressed CALL, was my father, and audrey. Let me tell you, Audrey and I haven't really talked much lately. We barely see eachother, probably only 3 or 4 times a year...maybe a few more, and my dad doesn't count. He only calls because he's my father and he feels he HAS to. OH! shove this in your back pocket---Tiffany and I haven't talked in a fucking year, and she freaking texted me and said happy birthday. I thought she hated me! My best friends couldn't even come over, even for a half hour, to sit with me and share my birthday so I wouldn't feel like a low-life loser. Well, I do now. I know I'm being selfish, but shit, it's my birthday. Im allowed to be. Tom said that he wasn't feeling good, and hey dude, that's fine. You're not feeling well, at least have the balls to call (like DIAL THE NUMBER) and say happy birthday, and tell me ON THE PHONE like "hey, sorry, i'm really sick and we were gonna come over and see you but i don't feel good." don't fucking be a pussy and argue with me over text messaging, and then have your boyfriend text me some stupid shit that i couldn't even make sense of. I've been fucking crying all day long, at work, when i got home, and the only thing that made me smile was when i came home and mary was here and she bought me roses. my sisters couldn't even call me on the phone and say happy birthday. they texted me. isn't this sad? it's fucked up. no one will ever get respect from me again. i'm tired of caring about people and them not giving a shit about me. everytime i put my faith into someone, and actually truly care about someone with all my heart, whether it's my friends or family or whatever, i get fucking shot down. i waste my breath, and feelings. screw it . i'm not caring about anyone anymore. i'm not saying happy birthday to anyone. i'm not suprising anyone. FUCK I bought tom a fucking 400 phone and he couldn't even call to say happy birthday. even leave me a message. fuck this. i can't stand it anymore.
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[17 Jun 2009|07:25am] |
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It's my birthday today. I have to work all day, and Mary works all night tonight, so I don't even get to see her. I get to come home from work and sit here by myself. Yay. I'm so excited. =( it's depressing.
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[14 Jun 2009|01:44am] |
So I cleaned out my pictures folder on my computer and I started to cry looking at all of these pictures of everyone, and how we are all so happy and how we got along so well. now i'm fucking miserable sitting at home every night by myself. i can't even hang out on wednesday, and it's my birthday. i don't even get to see mary. isn't that nice? I have to work til 5 or 6, and then i get to come home, and mary will already be at work til 12, and by the time she gets home i'll be in bed cuz i have to work at 830 in the morning. great.
i told thomas that i have one birthday wish...to get everyone back together. to get kimmi, and jordon, and andie, and jackie, and melissa, and tiffany, and all of us have a bonfire with no bitching, no fighting, just to have fun. that's what i want for my birthday... of course, i won't get it, but i can hope, ya know?
oh well. i start work on monday. yippee. i'm sick of being at home alone every night, so hopefully this shit changes cuz i'm so damn bored. i need to get out, go out with some friends that i don't have, and have fun. i don't remember the last time i truly laughed at something that was sincerely funny. or the last time i sat at coney or big boys with everyone and chilled. ugh. oh well. what can you do?
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[03 Jun 2009|08:03pm] |
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ughh, lately life has been grossly depressing. i went to two interviews yesterday, one for a manager at Burker King (which I DO NOT want, but figured if I don't get anything else, it's at least something to fall back on), and I had an interview at my Mom's law office. That place is so nice, and you get to wear jeans everyday, and tennis shoes and ughhh it's like a dream job. You have the same schedule every day, you have every weekend off, and you get to work as much overtime as you want. My shift, if I get hired (Which I'm pretty sure I will) will be from 2-1030 everyday. I mean, hey, it's not that great since I am driving home from Troy every night at 11 but it's a job, and it would be so nice. I get to do my favorite thing ever, and work on the computer, and deal with files all day. I'd get to have my own little cubicle. Ah, so nice. I'd be able to go to school in the morning before work. I want this job so bad, and I'm really counting on it. They had me do a lot of testing and it was like a 2 hour interview. It was strange because it's pretty much all data entry, but that's what I want. I want to be able to just do my job and go home, everyday. It's really taking a toll on Mary though. She's working everyday and I'm at home putting in resumes and applications online. She's stressing out because I'm not at Taco Bell anymore helping her, and that store is just going to HELL. She's the only one who has a brain in that place, and she's the only one who knows how to run a shift now that I'm gone. She learned it all from me, and she's stressing out just like I used to. As soon as I get settled into my job, she's going to start looking for a different one too, that way we are both happy. Taco Bell is killing us, and our relationship, even though I don't even work there anymore. It like rips you apart and swallows you. I'm sick and tired of dealing with the drama from that place, and Mary is crying everyday because she hates it so much, and I'm never there anymore. She doesn't realize that I'm at home freaking out because I don't have a job (which is my own fault and I know it) and I'm trying to make her life better at home by being here with her all day and night. I don't ever go out, I don't have any friends, so I'm at home while she's at work all by myself all night and day bored off my ass. I don't have ANY money at all to go and do anything. Idk what to do. What can I do to help her? Anyways, Sunday is pridefest and hopefully that will be fun. Mary has to work Saturday night, and sunday night, so we have to get up kinda early to go, which for her will be like 1 or 2. I'm excited, we went last year and it was fun. We only stayed for a few hours though. it will be nice to get out of this apartment for once and go down to ferndale. annnnyways, i'm gonna go clean, or run on the tredmill, or something. I need to go do something to occupy my time while mary is gone.
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